Mid-August 2015, two very dear friends of mine Candice Langdon and Ryan Hidalgo FINALLY tied the knot after dating nearly 10 years. I was so, so happy to be invited and able to participate in the celebration of their love. It was a beautiful ceremony and very intimate for a couple that has had such an impact on so many of their close friends.
Congratulations Ryan and Candice on the beautiful life you two are starting together! I'm glad to have participated and I'm here to bolster you up if you need it.
Mandy came to visit in August for her mom's birthday weekend and it was SO much fun to see her and introduce her to Owen. We don't get to chat as often as I'd like and I know that is my fault but I am so grateful to have her in my life. It is crazy how it can seem like nothing has changed or time has stood still when you are together with dear friends.
Oh, and we went to Sushi House of course! This was a frequent hang out when we were in college... about 5 years ago... where does the time go?
Today's lesson in Relief Society was the law of chastity and as a feminist, I have a few things to say about it. In the LDS church, the law of chastity is set forth stating that no sexual relations should exist outside of the covenant of marriage. This is a pretty universal Christian approach that includes the commandment in the Old Testament, thou shalt not commit adultery along with saving your virtue for marriage including modest dressing and avoiding single dates so as to also avoid physical temptations (not scriptural).
Now that you have some background, I think some of modern feminism comes into conflict with these teachings and it upsets me.
Sexual liberation is used to say that it is ok for women to have lots of different sexual partners because it is liberating and shows how even they are with men in today's society. Both of those notions really bother me. When you treat your body as though anything can enter it, it shows a lack of discretion, poor judgment, and a concern for safety without consideration of long term consequences. Men if they engage if unsafe sex or a one night stand are at worst leaving with an STD while a woman can end up pregnant and left with very poor options (this speaks nothing of committed relationships although they run equal risks because without the protection of marriage no one is held accountable).
The second part in the above statement about how women are equal to men if they are sexually liberated claims 1. That all men are sexually active and 2. That the male virtue is insignificant. Not all men are having sex because like women that choose not to have sex, they have weighed the pros and cons and/or have not found the right mate. I was always offended when my dad said that with a son you only have to worry about one dick but with a daughter you have to worry about all of them. This made me feel as if all men only cared about sex or like my brother's virginity mattered less which may have made him feel less valued or more inclined to have sexual relations. When you think or assume that all men think about or want is sex, it can make dating difficult because you are thinking, 'gee, I wonder when he's going to try to pressure me to have sex or leave me because I won't.' Male virginity is special and sacred but maybe because their genitals don't change (referring to the hymen) after first having intercourse, we don't treat it as the delicate flower that it is.
There is nothing liberating about a society that tells you that men have no control over their urges and that women are asking for it. Men have fought wars, hunted for food, invented modern conveniences, but can't control their sexual desire around a beautiful woman... Yeah, right. That gives them far less credit than they deserve and provides an excuse for rape, adultery, and a host of other law of chastity contrasting behavior. Slut shaming is wrong. I have not always dressed modestly and I'll be the first to admit that I liked the attention that I got. When I started hanging around Mormon men in high school, I realized that these young priesthood holders valued more than the skin I was showing and wanted to learn more about me. I had value, not just my breasts, legs, butt, etc. but my thoughts and feelings were valued and I was worth more adjectives than fat, skinny, tall, or short. It was there that I learned what kind of attention to seek because the guys that appreciated the skin I was showing had no interest in my hobbies, favorite classes, or real life. Little did I know that dressing immodestly was the opposite of liberating because I was seeking attention that objectofied my body and ignored my mind.
Sex is a precious thing that deserves nothing less than marriage. I was a virgin when i got married although I admit I was no perfect saint and probably let things go too far at times. Before our wedding, a handful of married and unmarried people came to us and encouraged us to have sex out of wedlock and condoned living together without being married in lieu of getting married. They cited age, worldly experience, and financial stability as reasons for us to delay marriage but somehow living together was fine. I was shocked and insulted by their assumptions that I only wanted Anthony as my husband for sex which trivialized marriage as a construct. How hurtful to say that virginity was not a prized possession for either of us and that we should just engage in sexual relations anyway because that had to be the only reason we would want to marry at ages 21 and 23. Our decision to marry had more to do with love, seeking stability, an eternal partner, and committing to have and raise children together at some point, and sure sex was a wonderful bonus but not the cause.
Sex is wonderful! It is fun and gentle and exciting and procreative (for some)! My partner has only been with me and I with him and that is really the most liberating because I know I can fully trust him and he is the best partner I have ever had. Sharing myself with him connects us on a level we share with no one else in this world and that is so incredibly beautiful.
I'm thankful for the law of chastity for showing me my value and keeping me pure for the only man who deserves it, my husband. I testify of the safety it can provide you and the blessings that you'll see from following it. Amen.
Oh what a year it has been! 365 days, 52 weeks, or 12 months, anyway you slice it Owen has reached his first birthday and I am now the mother of a one year old. It is incredible to think how new and different things were and today, I can't remember my life without him. Owen brings so much joy and fear and hope into our lives and although we admittedly have less sex, he has strengthened the love that Anthony and I have for one another.
I feel like everything I just said is super cliche or what you imagine people to say about their kids but it is true. I was selfish before becoming a mother. I was insensitive before becoming a mother. I was type A before becoming a mother. And now I am these things to a lesser degree but I have learned that i can love more than i ever realized was possible and that I want more than anything for my son to be happy. Children change you and it is good.
This first year brought an identity crisis for this new mother who wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I am still working to find a balance between wife, mother, Mormon, employee, etc. And wanting to be 100% at everything all at once. I've questioned my values and wondered about staying home vs working and things that I had thought were all figured out.
I am a super extrovert but I now understand what introverts mean when they say that they want space. I sometimes want to pee alone or shower alone or run to the store quickly. Wanting space is completely new and foreign to me but i now understand what AntHony has been taking about for the past seven years.
Watching someone grow reminds you of the worst and best parts of your childhood. Owen learns something new constantly. The other day, he conquered his fear of crawling through tunnels. He can sign for milk, more, and all done. He says dada, momma, yum, no. He amazes me and I know he is the strongest, smartest, and the best looking guy around because he is half of me and his father. He is the physical example of the love that Anthony and i share and that is so unreal.
Notable
Owen has 8 teeth and can crawl but isn't walking yet
Likes
Toys that make noise
Crawling
Growling at the dogs
Balls
AttentionAttentionm
Eating
Dislikes
When the cell phone screen goes dark
Naps and bed time
Traffic while in the car
Sitting still
Walking (too much work)
Sitting quietly in restaurants
Owen,
When you read this some day and think, "gee mom is crazy," remember always that I am crazy for you. Your first year was precious to me and I cherished every single stage and moment with you. I don't want you to grow up too fast but i won't stop you either. You will do incredible things and I will always support you. I'm your number one fan and so excited for what is to come.
How can time be flying so fast and my baby be learning and growing so quickly!?! This little goober is a mess. He's into everything and advancing so fast. It is wild to watch him change and grow before our eyes and I am so very blessed and proud to be Owen's mother. He's a great kid and Anthony loves the bond that they share as well.
He's trying to take steps but gets bored with it and resorts to crawling because he is faster at that.
Skills
Says "da da", "ma ma", "dough-gee" and "no"
Stands up and holding onto things
Opens drawers and cupboards
Bobs his head to music and shakes his arms to dance
Mimics expressions and hand signals
Signs more and milk
Drinks from a straw
Sleeping through the night (master at 10.5 months)
Likes
The Dogs
Music/Noise
Mom
Dad
Crawling
Swimming Pools
Dislikes
New tunnel from IKEA - finds it terrifying
Sitting still
Falling
Baby Gates
Power Plug Protectors (he plugs them out of the sockets... rendering them a waste of time and money)
Well, it appears that I'm in the minority among some of my friends, family, and the U.S. as a whole. I may be close to alone. But Anthony and I stand together for Owen, because we want him to have choices and all the options available to him that life has to offer. That is why I am an Intactivist.
What is an Intactivist? An Intactivist is a supporter of a man's right to choose what is done with his penis in regards to circumcision and the foreskin.
I originally thought I would have a circumcised son because it was what I'd always known. Anthony, though, had heard vague but upsetting things and was hesitant, prompting me to educate myself. I am so glad I did, because I know I would have regrets today had I made a decision to have my son's genitals altered without his consent. It is not my choice or my body, and I don't want to harm my baby.
Here are some questions I have for people that support circumcision.
1. How can anyone be pro-choice and not be an Intactivist?
If you believe that a woman has the right to choose what is done with her body in regards to procreation or lack there of, can you not respect or demand the same for men. Female genital mutilation, or female circumcision, was just recently outlawed in Nigeria. Female circumcision in many areas of the world includes the removal of the clitoris or any external female genitals, which is equivalent to the foreskin.
2. Are we not born perfect?
Birth is an incredible experience (just see Owen's)! After something so incredibly miraculous, how could you hand over your perfect baby to be physically altered a few hours later?
This reminds me of a funny story, and you are reading my blog so I'm going to share it. I was in a very large formal wedding in St. Louis, MO when I was five years old. Before the wedding, my grandma took me to get my hair done at a fancy salon while my brother was being circumcised for the 2nd time (because the foreskin grew back). When the ladies at the salon asked me about where my brother was, I responded sharply, "He's having his penis cut off right now."
My grandma was mortified and embarrassed, going on to explain to all the women about his circumcision, but I guess even then I sort of understood things, although it took research and a heart-to-heart with my partner to wrap my head around leaving our son intact. We are born perfect. Period.
3. Are we really so lazy or timid that we'll cut off parts of our children instead of teaching them healthy habits?
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that routine circumcision is not universally endorsed, but it is beneficial in reducing the spread of STDs, HIV/AIDs, etc. A foreskin does not lead to more disease or a greater spread of disease, unprotected sex and sex in a non-monogamous relationship lead to increased likelihood of the spread of STDs, HIV/AIDs, etc. The foreskin makes the penis more sensitive than a circumcised penis, so intact men are more likely to wear condoms than circumcised men, because intact men have better stimulation and an easier time reaching climax with a condom on. Bottom line: responsible sexual habits (here's hoping for abstinence!) prevent STDs, not circumcision.
Intact penises should be washed with water and treated like a finger (no retraction necessary) and when a baby becomes a man (teenage years), the foreskin will naturally retract so that the glans can be washed. Water only, no soap. That simple.
4. What aesthetics do genitals need?
It is odd to me how many people bring up looks when it comes to the foreskin. How bizarre that we have a notion or idea of how the penis should look, yet this area is considered 'privates.' I want my son to enjoy sex, being in a locker room, etc., but if someone else is commenting on the appearance of his genitals, then I have to wonder what is wrong with that person.
5. Why does a son's penis have to match his father's?
Someone told me, "your son's penis should match his dad's." WHAT? That's the craziest thing I have ever heard but believe it or not, I originally thought the same thing. I thought, I would hate for my son to feel like he looked different, but he is different. His life and experiences will be different from his dad's no matter what, so why not give him a choice?
I've also been asked how we'll explain to Owen why Anthony's penis is different when he's older. In about three seconds Anthony responded: "Well, buddy, when I was a baby, a lot of people thought a special kind of penis surgery was the best way to keep boys safe, but by the time you were born, we learned that most little boys are fine without it."
Now maybe my husband is smart, but I don't feel like that took too much thought. (Anthony also wanted me to note that there are far more significant ways his penis does not resemble a 10-month-old's.)
Don't take my word for it. Most of the above is opinion based but perhaps made you question things. Here are some places you can go to educate yourself more about the role of the foreskin, the history of circumcision, the circumcision surgery, etc.
The below video is incredibly eye opening (warning: it's also pretty graphic) and only 30 minutes long.
Links (Warning: Some of these people are extreme. I do not blame or have negative feelings toward anyone that has made a different decision than me, I simply want other parents or people to be educated because when I opened my eyes, it changed my perspective.):
